They are out there again.
Their howls were faint at first but every few days that familiar
eerie chorus seems a little closer as they circle.
Sometimes they are silent. Sometimes they retreat a bit.
They are tentative. Not sure the time is right. Not quite sure
if they have been summoned.
I know this pack. They made their first appearance when
I was thirteen.They came very quickly and stayed for nearly
My mother and her friend Betty talked several times.
'I thought it would be okay - they are both so young.'
'It was so innocent - the most they did was hold hands.'
And yet I felt broken.
They came again when I became pregnant at eighteen.
Then I gave him up for adoption.
Their ranks grew. They must have called for reinforcements.
The rank and file was tired. This turned out to be a very along stay.
A very long stay indeed.
They have come for shorter visits. When they leave and the hazy veil
of despair is lifted I hope it is the last I will see of them.
But their path is well traveled. They know the way in their bones.
They have been visiting my ancestors for centuries.
I was not to be spared.
The very darkest, most debilitating visit occurred when my beautiful
twins arrived. I could not sleep for the incessant howling of the
pack. The noise was deafening when I nursed my babies.
I was a prisoner, a slave to them again. They fed on my panic,
on my feelings of being trapped - a prisoner in my own home.
They finally left after six months. Now and again I would find the
tufts of their undercoats under a high chair, behind a crib.
Little testaments to their visit.
They call to me every few years or so.
This time I heard them early - I went for help sooner.
And I am taking care of myself better.
And yet they wait.
I visualize running them off. A screaming banshee with a big stick.
I visualize them losing interest and wandering off.
I visualize a peace of mind descending and a serenity that stays.
And the seeds of hope fall out of my clenched fists as they
slowly relax and open.
And I pray for rain.
Labels: depression, luck of the Irish, serenity, the pack