Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Pack

They are out there again.

Their howls were faint at first but every few days that familiar
eerie chorus seems a little closer as they circle.

Watching.

Waiting.

Sometimes they are silent. Sometimes they retreat a bit.

They are tentative. Not sure the time is right. Not quite sure
if they have been summoned.

I know this pack. They made their first appearance when
I was thirteen.They came very quickly and stayed for nearly
a year.

My mother and her friend Betty talked several times.

'I thought it would be okay - they are both so young.'

'It was so innocent - the most they did was hold hands.'

And yet I felt broken.

They came again when I became pregnant at eighteen.

Then I gave him up for adoption.

Their ranks grew. They must have called for reinforcements.
The rank and file was tired. This turned out to be a very along stay.

A very long stay indeed.

They have come for shorter visits. When they leave and the hazy veil
of despair is lifted I hope it is the last I will see of them.

But their path is well traveled. They know the way in their bones.
They have been visiting my ancestors for centuries.

I was not to be spared.

The very darkest, most debilitating visit occurred when my beautiful
twins arrived. I could not sleep for the incessant howling of the
pack. The noise was deafening when I nursed my babies.

I was a prisoner, a slave to them again. They fed on my panic,
on my feelings of being trapped - a prisoner in my own home.

They finally left after six months. Now and again I would find the
tufts of their undercoats under a high chair, behind a crib.

Little testaments to their visit.

They call to me every few years or so.

This time I heard them early - I went for help sooner.

And I am taking care of myself better.

And yet they wait.

I visualize running them off. A screaming banshee with a big stick.

I visualize them losing interest and wandering off.

I visualize a peace of mind descending and a serenity that stays.

And the seeds of hope fall out of my clenched fists as they
slowly relax and open.

And I pray for rain.




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19 Comments:

At August 17, 2009 at 2:55 PM , Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

Running helps. Night run tonight?

 
At August 17, 2009 at 4:30 PM , Blogger Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

They come to my home, as well. Now and again. I'm managing to chase them off with my wild eyes and the stern set of my mouth. We'll see if I can keep that up.

If you need help, let me know.

 
At August 17, 2009 at 5:44 PM , Blogger Violet said...

The rain always comes. Sometimes not as soon as we'd like, but it always comes.

 
At August 18, 2009 at 11:06 AM , Blogger undercover caterer said...

thank heaven for antidepressants!
xoxoxoxo

 
At August 18, 2009 at 1:19 PM , Blogger Mama Goose said...

If I could, I'd head them off at the pass. Sending you peace and rain.

 
At August 18, 2009 at 11:14 PM , Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I envision you as this warrior - an incredibly strong woman who knows how to fight - and when to get help. I know you'll keep them at bay. Sending you positive thoughts.

 
At August 19, 2009 at 4:42 AM , Blogger HBFG said...

What a beautiful post, you write so well.
Capturing!
You are a stronger person now then you were before, you will be able to create boundries around you to keep the pack out.
You've already built the first part.
You will also realize that they are not as strong as you, they never were, they will fade away...
I know it!
:))

 
At August 19, 2009 at 2:38 PM , Blogger Krystyn said...

I hope the rain comes, but if not right away, glad you were able to see the signs and get help.

 
At August 19, 2009 at 9:36 PM , Blogger Leendaluu said...

So they found you too this summer. We should share. Love you muchly.

 
At August 19, 2009 at 9:37 PM , Blogger Leendaluu said...

and you know, that was the most beautiful of posts. You are a wizard of words.

 
At August 21, 2009 at 1:50 PM , Blogger Mary Ellen said...

Just stopped by to say hi and to say that I'm thinking of you. I hope you're feeling better and wish I could do something for you. Take care.

 
At August 22, 2009 at 9:24 PM , Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Merrily that was really beautiful....

 
At August 22, 2009 at 9:24 PM , Blogger ♥ Braja said...

And I have my jackals :)

 
At August 23, 2009 at 8:05 PM , Blogger Karen said...

Wow! what a scary post. I haven't had them for many years now, but always looking for them in the corners.

 
At August 27, 2009 at 11:20 AM , Blogger Debbie said...

I am so glad you are getting the help you need. Keep us posted?

 
At September 12, 2009 at 3:32 AM , Blogger flutter said...

I pray for your peace

 
At October 1, 2009 at 11:50 AM , Blogger Allison said...

Wow...incredibly powerful.

 
At October 11, 2009 at 8:18 AM , Blogger Lesley said...

What a lovely post. I run the little buggers off with blogging. Sometimes they scurry off, sometimes not. Sometimes I probably just bore them to death.

 
At October 15, 2009 at 4:05 PM , Blogger Magpie said...

When they come, I want to take to my bed.

 

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