I had started seeing a counselor (a first) when
I realized that every relationship I had failed.
The time had come when I knew it had to
be me. My marriage was in shambles and I
was all mixed up. Would I ever marry
again? Would I ever have children? Did I want
children? Had Bryan been my only chance?
Was every moment of grief I ever suffered
going to bring up all of the pain of losing him?
When I wrote the initial letter I read it to my
counselor - she suggested I mail it. As it turned
out she had given up a baby for adoption too.
We went over all of the possible outcomes.
Hearing back from them was at the end of the
list, as I recall it fell somewhere after
For several days the photo made me weep.
I would stare at it so hard trying to know him
from looking in his eyes. Trying to recognize him.
Trying to feel him. Trying to feel better about
giving him away...
I wrote feverishly about all that I was
experiencing - sounding, I am certain, like a
And then I felt a little better after about the 5th
or 6th day. I carried the photo with me wherever
I went. And then I wrote the response that I
Dear Mr. Lawyer for Parents of my Birth Son,
Thank you so much for the letter and please
tell Bryan's parents how grateful I am. If you
don't mind, I am going to write the rest of
the letter directly to them - it is just easier.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Parents of my Birth Son,
I can't thank you enough for what you have
given me. It's an odd thing to give a child
away and hope for the best. If a picture is
worth a thousand words, this one is worth
a thousand times that. Bryan looks sweet
and healthy and happy and very well loved.
It's all I ever wanted for him.
I have enclosed the medical records release
form Mr. Attorney sent me. I'd be happy to
answer any other questions you have.
My husband Mr. In-The-Wrong-Place-At-
The-Wrong-Time knows all about Bryan.
He has been very supportive of this. He
sends his best too.
As for further communication - I'd be
delighted. I will follow your lead, however.
Please rest assured that I understand the
delicacy of this situation - I only want what
is best for Bryan - as I always have.
My best to you all,
And then there was silence...