Sunday, December 14, 2008

Life's a holiday on Contaminated Lane

I wrote this post on December 14, 2008 And never published it. Since I seem to be particularly uninspired lately this will have to do...

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So here is the deal. We have had some form or fashion of unhealthiness in our house since late August - I am not kidding. We went to Hell-en Georgia for a little R & R with the kids and my in-laws. I don't know if you have ever heard of Helen Georgia but apparently after the interstates went through Helen was dying faster than Radiator Springs. An industrious native decided they should spruce up the little town and make it look like a Bavarian Village - and why not? (WTF) And what do you know - IT WORKED! (Marketing is a beautiful thing.) Now the place is crawling with tourists and they have all manner of nasty, terrible stores there, particularly stores with lewd t-shirts. They have a 2 -1/2 hour inner tube ride down the river (about 2-1/4 hours too long) - they have water slides - they have fudge - they've got it all. And I believe that is where this unhealthiness all started.

Now don't get me wrong - I am not trying to steer you away from Helen - in fact, it is Hog Heaven for young girls and boys like the Bunny and the Dolly. We stayed in a time share that had swimming pools and outdoor grills and paths to the river - that and the waterslide and river ride - why it's a veritable kid nirvana. 

It was there that I contracted the Mystery Cough. A hard, non-productive cough (I love that term for a cough - sounds like a louse brother-in-law) that sort of never became anything and never went away (again - like a louse brother-in-law). And when we came home with my cough a small cloud of illness parked it's happy ass right over my house and has been there ever since.

To wit: as a result of said cough, the Bunny, the Dolly and Gapetto got sick. Gapetto's turned into a nasty sinus infection, the Dolly got the croup and the Bunny's turned into walking pneumonia. Within the next three weeks both Grammy and Poppy got pneumonia as well. And Grammy had one heck of a time getting rid of it. So that shot September and part of October.

Soon I was back at the pediatrician's for strep tests. 'Are you sure you don't want to see the Doctor?' 

'Nope - just the tests please.' 

By the time children are six I am pretty sure any mom with half a brain (myself included) can recognize strep when she sees it. We had two positive strep tests. 

Meanwhile our insurance ran out from Gapetto's job that he left so we had to find individual family insurance - just don't even get me started on that. That is when we had to get the Dolly's molar removed (Baby Jay), so insurance didn't cover that one. Then, lo and behold, the Mystery Cough returned but turned into a sinus infection. Next the Bunny developed the croup (the Wednesday before Thanksgiving) and I took the Dolly with me for good measure. I was using a new pediatrician who I wasn't so sure of - mostly I was distracted by the hour and a half wait and the fact that the man did not have ONE HAIR on his body. Now alopecia areata universalisa is nothing to be mocked - it is just that it fascinates me and I can't seem to follow the conversation. (Okay, so there is no hair ANYWHERE on this man's body). So this visit to the new HMO group took a total of 2-1/2 hours (about 2-1/4 hours too long and not nearly as fun as the river ride from hell) and we left with Prednisone for both children. 

We had a quiet Thanksgiving and the kids went back to school on Monday. That afternoon I pick them up and Dolly had a fever, an unresponsive fever, for three days. I called my old pediatricians office and pleaded 'Please tell me you take this horseshit insurance!' and it turns out they did. So we loaded up the mom-van and went back to the office they have gone to since birth.

'I am sorry Ma'am we don't take this insurance'

"But I called and you said you did"

'You have an HMO and we only take Multi-Choice."

'Well f*#& - I'll just pay for them since we are here.' I couldn't face the hairless wonder and the long wait again.

The nurse comes in. 'How long has the Bunny Rabbit had this cough?'

'About 2 or 3 months.'

"How long has the Dolly Llama had this cough?'

'About 2 or 3 nights.'

'I threw up 11 times last night' the Dolly offers proudly.

So, a breathing treatment for the Dolly's pneumonia, a Z pack plus a huffer for the inflammation in her little lungs. With any luck she will return to school tomorrow. The Bunny Rabbit has a sinus infection so he gets that cotton candy colored antibiotic they take for 10 days. He returned to school on Friday. Gapetto, no doubt has a sinus infection, which is going untreated of course. Mine is clearing up.

So, I am thinking we need to cover our house like they do in California for termite treatments. They put these huge tarps over the entire house and totally fumigate the place and just let it sit for awhile till all signs of life and termites are gone. Surely there must be something like that for illnesses - right? 

RIGHT???

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