green is my valley 02.27.11

no matter how gray things get

plants emerge

grass greens up

and the sunshine returns

Soaking it in 01.29.11

This exchange of mornings along with my excitement 

about focusing my creative energies on interiors has reopened my eyes

(I guess I switched my focus some time ago?)

I look for the beauty in everyday things like I did as a young designer

 apples and cherries

preparing a relaxing bath

I love the light streaming through the shutters 

of my bathroom in the morning

my beautiful new interiors book 

along with the requisite Elle Decors

surprise! 

my toes are always hidden in warm socks and warm shoes 

or warm (and worn) slippers

I'd forgotten that the Dolly painted my nails a few days ago

always by my side

as long as she is sure she will not be bathed

not alone anymore

the Dolly getting ready for a birthday sleepover today

she is beyond excited

quiet moments are planned then dashed

privacy is a thing of the past

this is the reality of being a mother

and I soak it all in

Their miraculous selves

Years ago when West Wing was in it's hey day [and I - a rabid fan] Bradley Whitford won an Emmy for best supporting actor in a series. 
I will never forget what he said about his children in his acceptance speech.


I'd like to thank my children for their miraculous selves and for saving my wife and I from lives of terminal self involvement.


Touché Bradley. Touché.


Happy 8th birthday Bunny and Dolly!

My Little Holiday Helpers

THIS is what my holidays are all about!

Recesses of the heart

Thursday was The Dolly and The Bunny's last day of first grade.

Bryan and his girlfriend Alexis usually pick the munchkins  

up from school on Thursdays and we all agreed a celebration 

was in order. Alexis had her five year old son with her - 

Zane-O-Mane and he had just finished his school year as well.

They all went off to play while I finished up some work.

When they returned we decided on the kids favorite Mexican 

restaurant. 

Now these children were plenty wound up from ice cream 

on the last day of school, swimming AND jumping on the 

trampoline, not to mention that Zany and the Bunny throw 

down when they are together. A veritable tumbleweed of 

feet and fists and laughter and sometimes tears.

We sat down to eat and things started getting a little rowdy.

All three were sharing a window bench and the boys were 

next to each other. Lots of jockeying for position...

As soon as they finished we turned them out to play and we 

finished our meal watching them right outside the window.

The Dolly came running in obviously distraught and rushed 

right past me into Bryan's arms. It seems she and Zane-O had 

collided and Dolly had caught his head with her upper lip.

She clung to Bryan and he hugged her hard as he whispered to her.

I brought her some ice for her bleeding, swelling lip and after 

about five minutes she wanted to go back out and play.

Several things were revealed in this incident. 

My daughter is so much tougher than her twin brother - who 

knows how long that scene would have lasted if it had been him.

She didn't blame Zane - just said that they had run in to each 

other and then quickly wanted to get back out and play with 

him some more. Again, very different scenario if it had been 

my dramatic and long suffering Bunny.

I felt a rush of emotion when she ran past me to Bryan for 

comfort. My heart swelled with gratitude that these siblings 

all love each other so much and I understand now how MOB 

[Mom-of-Bryan] feels about all of us. When there is plenty of 

love and an honest to goodness wanting of the best for all 

there is no jealousy, only gratitude and tenderness for all 

concerned.

When the Dolly ran out I noticed that Bryan was misty eyed.

It had really choked him up that she was hurt and he wanted 

to fix it and I think there was somewhat of an overwhelming 

feeling about the depth of his emotions for his little siblings. 

It is A Genuine Mutual Admiration Society.

I told him that he had just had a genuine taste of parenting,

wanting to take their pain for them, wanting to fix them up,

wanting them to never get hurt, wanting to protect them and 

realizing at the same time that you can't.

And I thanked the universe and the gods of fertility and medicine 

for my very unique family: a 30 year old birth son [of my high 

school sweetheart] who I have had the singular pleasure of getting 

to know for the last 10 years and been in the same city with for the 

last two; amazingly beautiful and fun girl/boy 7 year old twins as a 

result of in vitro fertilization that I birthed at the age of 42; one 

crazy, verbal rescue labrador who makes me laugh several times 

every single day; and a handsome, loving, funny husband who 

embraces the whole lot of us.

And then of course, MOB, who taught Bryan that he was extra 

special because he had two mothers who loved him so much. 

She helped pave the way for our reunion.

And in this chaos, this clamor and crying and fighting, the shrieks 

of laughter and the split lips and the scrapes, the wailing for 

'Mommy!' or 'Daddy!' - there is a peace ...

and a stillness ...

and a little place deep in the recesses of this birth mother's heart

that has finally healed.

 

My name is Merrily and

Hi. My name is Merrily and I am a chocoholic.

Hi Merrily.

I haven’t had a piece of chocolate in three days. 

Oh wait.

I had a fozen cafe mocha this afternoon.  

Okay. Okay. 

I haven’t had chocolate in 6 hours and 

37 minutes.

I guess it all started on my first birthday. 

I was sitting in my high chair minding my own 

business when an enormous piece of chocolate 

cake was placed on my tray in front of me. 

I tried one little morsel of that chocolate and 

it was off to the races! I was so giddy with the 

flavor I could barely hit my mouth - I slathered 

it on my face and in my hair and up and down 

my arms. And I began my secret plotting to get 

more of this incredible stuff, this manna from 

heaven, this food of the gods.

Halloweens were always tough for me. 

My sisters and I would sort all of our candy 

to see who made the best score. We would 

negotiate and trade and bicker and eat. 

My candy would be gone in no time. 

I would steal a piece here and there from 

different sisters so as not to be discovered.

And Easter? Oh the torture. My oldest sister 

would wait until my chocolate bunny was 

devoured before pulling hers out untouched. 

Licking its ears and taunting me about my 

long gone bunny. Oh, she was relentless all 

right but when I was 12 I outgrew her (no 

doubt with a little help from my chocolate) 

and she was afraid to tease me anymore.

My mother taught me how to make her 

infamous fudge. I was the only one she taught 

because it was so hard to judge the timing and 

she knew I would stick with it. It required 

stirring for about an hour after it was cooked 

to achieve the right consistency. All the while 

I would pull the full spoon up like she taught 

me, letting the thickening elixer slowly pour  

[over my finger] into the pot. By the time that 

fudge cured my stomach would ache. 

Ah but I was sated.

When I was sixteen I got a job at a little cafe 

that made hand rolled chocolates. I walked in 

the back room and discovered the large vats 

of chocolate cooling. If I waited until just the 

right moment I could pull the long spoon out 

and break off a hunk of the stuff before it 

hardened too much. [I know my chocolate, 

yessiree] I would put it in my apron 

pocket and gnaw on it all day. Good times. 

Good times.

Well I could go on and on but it was when I 

began nibbling on semi-sweet Baker's chocolate 

squares that I knew I'd hit rock bottom. I mean 

where do you go from there - dumpster diving 

for wrappers to lick?

So I stand in front of you today a broken woman. 

I can't stop - I need help. 

It will take something greater than me to make 

this craving go away. 

Does any body have any heroin???