Letter Dated August 6, 1999

Dear MOB,


OK - you're going to think I'm a kook but I do have some questions. What is he like? What does he like to do? (are these broad, sweeping questions, or what?) I'm trying to locate Braves tickets - I actually got some but they are nosebleed seats but I have several people on it. I just assume everybody loves baseball but of course, I didn't follow it till I lived around a winning team! Is Melanie his girlfriend? Does he do athletic kind of things? I seem to remember that when I signed the papers that Dan was a golf pro - does Bryan like to golf? (we don't but we could point them to a course) Do they like museums, art, music?


As the time gets closer I seem to get calmer - this has all happened so fast, if someone had told me a month ago that Bryan would be at our house next Sunday I would not have believed it. I think it is better that it is happening quickly - I tend to over think things instead of just waiting and letting them develop as they may. At first I was so concerned that I wouldn't live up to what ever he may be looking to find but then I realized I have no idea what he expects, nor he I. I just am happy for the opportunity to meet him and get to know him and love him for what ever he is. And I look forward to meeting you as well and I appreciate so much your openness to all of this and your openness with me. I finally put those books away - they were kind of spooky and were full of weird situations that are so unlike this. Bryan is very happy being adopted and loves you both and I was not forced to do anything nor do I have regrets about my decision*. It seems the books are written by people who were really affected by the closed adoption process and/or were put into bad situations. Maybe you and I can write a book about this one!


In the meantime we are busting our butts on the kitchen - the plumber and the electrician come early next week to install appliances and light fixtures - the kitchen will be finally up and running after 6 or 8 weeks! I can't wait to cook again!


I look forward to hearing from you and I look forward to their arrival...


Love,


Merrily


*Lest you believe me on this - don't. This decision was very painful and has had LONG repercussions emotionally...

Pieces of letters August 1-3 1999

These are pieces of some of the flurry of emails that were exchanged between MOB and I after the initial letter and up to Bryan's arrival here for the first time.


MOB August 1, 1999


...I would love to know the titles of the books you ordered. During the 'late 1970's' I think I read almost every book in print about adoption. I was bound and determined to do things right (I just had to find out what that was). Dan and I decided early on that we agreed with the philosophy that Bryan should know from day one that he was adopted. We would use the word adopted frequently enough during his early years, that it would be a 'comfortable' word, not a 'strange' word. We explained there was more than one way to start a family.


You are right. I do have conflicting emotions, however, I want you to know, my feelings are very positive. From what you have written to me and to Bryan (he has shared your correspondence) I am thrilled for him that you are welcoming this reunion, and I truly hope it will be positive for both of you. I know you both could benefit greatly from knowing each other, as you are both truly wonderful people. From my end, I am dying to meet you myself. (I have been even searching online airfares in case I get a telephone call that says to come) I have said many times over the years that I would love the opportunity to thank the wonderful lady who gave Dan and I such a precious gift. You shaped the direction our lives took 20+ years ago and for this we will be eternally grateful...


Me August 3, 1999


...The books came yesterday... Reading other women's stories is both painful and comforting to me. I didn't know if I'd ever hear from Bryan but always hoped I would. It is an incredibly intense experience so far and I haven't even met him yet. But it brings up a lot of pain and loss - things I thought were long since gone - but I guess they are just a part of me now and can't really ever leave. The beauty of this reunion is being able to see - and be a part of - the other side of the coin - the happy side. While I was going through the loss - you were going through incredible joy. I am both fascinated and sad when I hear about him - but as I said, I read and reread it - so you can tell me whatever you want. I think that after I meet him that I will have questions for you - right now he is still just a myth to me. I really feel that this is a great and healing thing for me - but it is bitter sweet...

Letters dated July 30, 1999

Hope you are well...

Dear Merrily,

Please let us know that you were not near the tragedy.

I guess no city is immune these days.

Bryan and Melanie are off on their wonderful trip.

I heard from them on Wednesday from Seattle.

I will write this weekend, as I am dashing out the door to work.

Love,

MOB

PS Do you have email at home? or just at work? is it okay to use?

Re: Hope you are well...

Dear MOB,

Gapetto and I are both safe, the shootings took place in Buckhead

which is about 4 miles from where we both work in midtown.

These kinds of horrible things seem to be happening all too

frequently these days.

I'm glad to hear Bryan and Melanie are enjoying themselves. I didn't

hear back from him about his allergies. I could easily make this a

cat-free environment while they are here - and is he allergic to

dogs? Any tips on how to stock the fridge?

Life sure has a way of working things out. Russ and I are trying to

get pregnant - it is the first time in my life I felt that I was ready

to and now I have a partner who is equally excited about it. I had

so many issues to resolve about being pregnant and about feeling

that I was ready to be a good parent. I have never been happier in

my life than I am right now and that's when I heard from you and

Bryan. It seems so much more than circumstantial. I am excited,

nervous, anxious, apprehensive, happy - all kinds of emotions are

surfacing in light of this meeting. I imagine that you have some

conflicting emotions too. You seem so wonderful with Bryan.

Checking to make sure that it will go okay but then stepping back

and giving him room to fly. You seem like a very good mother and

I really feel blessed by that. I always loved Dr. O.B. and it seems

he was very intuitive in picking you.

I am expecting a couple books from amazon.com in the mail

today on this kind of reunion. The ones I chose deal with all sides'

emotions - the birth mother, the adoptive mother and the child's.

This is such a unique kind of thing I don't know anyone who has been

through it. I have a friend who found his birth mother and she doesn't

want to have any sort of relationship with him and I know that hurts

him. If the books are good I will pass them on to you.

In the meantime, we wait for their arrival...

Hope to hear from you soon

Love,

Merrily

PS I can access my email from home and work. I have my own

graphic design studio now so it's just me and the occasional freelances

who don't use my internet.

Recesses of the heart

Thursday was The Dolly and The Bunny's last day of first grade.

Bryan and his girlfriend Alexis usually pick the munchkins  

up from school on Thursdays and we all agreed a celebration 

was in order. Alexis had her five year old son with her - 

Zane-O-Mane and he had just finished his school year as well.

They all went off to play while I finished up some work.

When they returned we decided on the kids favorite Mexican 

restaurant. 

Now these children were plenty wound up from ice cream 

on the last day of school, swimming AND jumping on the 

trampoline, not to mention that Zany and the Bunny throw 

down when they are together. A veritable tumbleweed of 

feet and fists and laughter and sometimes tears.

We sat down to eat and things started getting a little rowdy.

All three were sharing a window bench and the boys were 

next to each other. Lots of jockeying for position...

As soon as they finished we turned them out to play and we 

finished our meal watching them right outside the window.

The Dolly came running in obviously distraught and rushed 

right past me into Bryan's arms. It seems she and Zane-O had 

collided and Dolly had caught his head with her upper lip.

She clung to Bryan and he hugged her hard as he whispered to her.

I brought her some ice for her bleeding, swelling lip and after 

about five minutes she wanted to go back out and play.

Several things were revealed in this incident. 

My daughter is so much tougher than her twin brother - who 

knows how long that scene would have lasted if it had been him.

She didn't blame Zane - just said that they had run in to each 

other and then quickly wanted to get back out and play with 

him some more. Again, very different scenario if it had been 

my dramatic and long suffering Bunny.

I felt a rush of emotion when she ran past me to Bryan for 

comfort. My heart swelled with gratitude that these siblings 

all love each other so much and I understand now how MOB 

[Mom-of-Bryan] feels about all of us. When there is plenty of 

love and an honest to goodness wanting of the best for all 

there is no jealousy, only gratitude and tenderness for all 

concerned.

When the Dolly ran out I noticed that Bryan was misty eyed.

It had really choked him up that she was hurt and he wanted 

to fix it and I think there was somewhat of an overwhelming 

feeling about the depth of his emotions for his little siblings. 

It is A Genuine Mutual Admiration Society.

I told him that he had just had a genuine taste of parenting,

wanting to take their pain for them, wanting to fix them up,

wanting them to never get hurt, wanting to protect them and 

realizing at the same time that you can't.

And I thanked the universe and the gods of fertility and medicine 

for my very unique family: a 30 year old birth son [of my high 

school sweetheart] who I have had the singular pleasure of getting 

to know for the last 10 years and been in the same city with for the 

last two; amazingly beautiful and fun girl/boy 7 year old twins as a 

result of in vitro fertilization that I birthed at the age of 42; one 

crazy, verbal rescue labrador who makes me laugh several times 

every single day; and a handsome, loving, funny husband who 

embraces the whole lot of us.

And then of course, MOB, who taught Bryan that he was extra 

special because he had two mothers who loved him so much. 

She helped pave the way for our reunion.

And in this chaos, this clamor and crying and fighting, the shrieks 

of laughter and the split lips and the scrapes, the wailing for 

'Mommy!' or 'Daddy!' - there is a peace ...

and a stillness ...

and a little place deep in the recesses of this birth mother's heart

that has finally healed.

 

It's my child's birthday

Today is Bryan's 30th birthday. 

Several years ago Mom-of-Bryan [MOB] sent me this from an 

Ann Landers column. Her mother had given it to her back in 

1980 [the year of Bryan's first birthday] and MOB had carried 

it in her wallet until it fell apart so the beginning of it is 

missing.

...child we adopted will celebrate a first birthday then.

Amidst the joy and preparation of adoptive parents, people 

have a tendency to forget the heartache that was suffered by 

the birth mother when she parted with her child.

This poem is a reminder to all adoptive parents everywhere 

that a very big price was paid by a selfless woman who gave 

up her precious baby so he or she could have a better life.

                                        - Please no name or state, Just Grateful

A BIRTHDAY

It's my child's birthday

He just went dashing by

His eyes are sparkling with the excitement meant only for today.

Presents, kisses, hugs, cake, ice cream

It all seems so natural.

It's a day of looking back and looking forward.

But there is something different happening inside of me.

This should be a day of complete joy

A day of thanksgiving

But in the midst of all this excitement

I pause because my thoughts are about someone 

else for a time.

It's my child's birthday

I have no memories of his life growing inside me and 

fighting to be released.

Another someone was there

Another someone suffered for my joy.

It's my child's birthday

But someone somewhere is feeling emptiness inside,

I'm sure she is wondering what he looks like

If he is big or small

Wondering if he laughs much

It's my child's birthday

And in the midst of this blessed day that was given to me,

I have a prayer,

Oh, God, that I may never forget that someone suffered 

so much to give life to my child. 

That someone loved my child so very much that she gave 

him the right to live. 

May I never forget for a moment and especially now, today, to 

offer a prayer of thanks for someone, and that you, dear God, 

will always be there for that someone to help her through the 

hurts she will have when she stops to think that 

'Today is my child's birthday'. 

Amen.

Thank you MOB, I love you.

Reply to the Scouting Letter

The words I hadn't dared hope I might hear [or read]

someday.

I called my sister K, trying to choke out the words...

'He wants to contact me.'

Surely there must be miracles because this is what one

must feel like.

July 15, 1999

[I responded by snail mail AND email to be double sure]

Dear Mom-of-Bryan,

A friend of mine lives in my old duplex and phoned me

yesterday to say that I had received a letter from you.

At first I was frightened that it may be bad news but it

was the most amazing news of all. I would be very

honored to hear from Bryan - it is something I have only

allowed myself to half hope for.

Your note was very sweet and I feel so incredibly grateful

to you for taking him and giving him all the things every

child deserves. I would love to communicate with you as

well. My new address is:

Merrily Down the Stream

Cute-1925-House-Under-Constant-Renovation

Deep South

I look forward to hearing from both of you and I am so

happy you are all well.

Sincerely,

Merrily

and now I wait...

6/27/99 - The Scouting Letter

Dear Merrily,

This is a 'scouting' note to see if this reaches you. I'm afraid

too many years may have passed since our last communication.

Bryan would like to contact you, if you are still willing. We

have shared your letters with him, and he has written you one.

Now that he has grown into a wonderful young man, I, too,

would love to communicate with the woman who has been

an angel in my life since April 1, 1979.

I hope this note not only finds you, but finds you well.

Fondly,

Mom-of-Bryan

123 Nice Street

Somewhere CA 90000

Mom-of-Bryan@home.com

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